I didn’t know being alone would be much more peaceful, intentional, clear and fulfilling than I used to fear it. Amazingly, I can do whatever I want the way I want things to be. I call this season of my life “Enough, Exactly as I Am.”
After the devastating news, I closed down and fenced up. The shock was real and unimaginable. I made myself unavailable. I hoped that blocking everything in can turn silence into a much needed reflection. Everything appeared not to make any sense. I felt lost. If there was one person who needed a detailed explanation of the tragedy, it was me. I dismissed almost everyone, except for two souls in my life. (They were patiently there.) “This can also be me, and if you can’t understand this—then, we haven’t understood each other at all.” That moment showed me who my real friends were.
Enough, exactly as I am—I chose to love myself, and gave myself time to grieve and understand. I gifted myself a gold necklace on my birthday; treated myself out to lunches and dinners; bought myself a Switch 2 to lighten heavy days, and AirPods Max to block noises around me; and most importantly, I permitted myself to breathe, to daydream of motorcycles, to choose myself every time, to learn to live without focusing much on the destination. I realized I deprived myself of these permissions on the premise that if I gave my everything to an endeavor, it will pay off. No. Life can be a big gamble, I didn’t know. Life can really be unfair when you least expect it.
What I didn’t realize early on, the universe has a way of its own. My initial reactions, were sui generis, yes. (1) The No-Buying Rebellion, both literally and figuratively, led me to saving both money and energy. I refused to buy impulsively. I also refused general access to me. (2) Choosing Freedom over Unfreedom. I quit drinking and vaping cold turkey. I also quit useless socialization. (3) Reconfiguring the life I want. I chose to live enough, exactly as I am. As I blew the candle on the cake I bought for my birthday, I whispered to myself. “You need no one’s permission to celebrate. Your birthday pushes through whether people greet you or not.”
Life isn’t perfect, downtimes still exist. But it is solace to be at peace with my inner self, enamored at my newly-found freedom and grateful for choosing—enough, exactly as I am. Finding myself again is a gift of this season, which I wouldn’t trade for anything else.